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Part I.
I wanna spend it with myself. I wanna date myself every weekend. I owe myself that.
I've always made myself available for others. But haven't for myself. That's a fact. I'm not defending it. My defenses are getting weaker every week, every morning I wake up.
The hard part? When I no longer know what I want. When reason and purpose turn evasive and I'm stuck with "why", "where", "how", "what", and "when".
Routine is the water poured down to my fire of passion. Dying slowly. I, barely noticing.
I could shrug things off like I usually do. But not this time. This has been nagging at me since when. I owe myself an apology. An explanation. A date. Time. And love.
Love. "Have I stopped loving myself lately?", I ask. YES, at some point, I did. Or I haven't loved much. Provided much. There's always this gaping hole needed to be filled in.
Like a man courting a woman, I'm gonna woo myself with books, movies, music, nature, friends and family. And my ace of aces: ADVENTURE
It is possible to be in different places every week. Be with different people every friggin' week. Have nature right at your face... yet, feel NOTHING at all. I'm an android in the making. I guess I am.
Remembering one of my favorite animated films (Up), I'm back to writing my own adventure. With myself (first) and with people who matter (second).
To tend a plant, one needs to trim, clip, remove. Some things I've already removed in my life. Vices I'm better off without. And I'm trimming and clipping MORE. Habits, people, places, etc...
Amidst all these "losing touch with myself" spectacle, life never ceases to give me reasons to smile. One strong connection myself and my self share. Life is always good.
Jamie: "You're emotionally unavailable?"
Dylan: "Oh, yeah."
Jamie: "I'm emotionally damaged!"
Part II.
Of the many things (monthly periods and pregnancy) women have to deal with, why didn't fate give men EMOTIONS to deal with?? Just a thought. 'Coz if there's a Man in every WoMan, then they're free to unburden us women from the task of handling emotions!
They say women are more emotional than men. Damn it! Are we?! LOL
Society implicitly requires our men to be a little emotion-less. Sometimes, I'm fine with that. Sometimes, I'm freakin' not. Friends who've been asking lately, here's the real score:
"I am emotionally unavailable because I may be emotionally fucked up."
Sad. But, true story.
(As I'm typing this, Colbie Caillat's I Never Told You is playing in the background. Cosmic intervention.)
