You Can't Break a Woman

To a dear friend who currently deals with horrors surrounding marriage, this is for you.
To women who only find strength in crying, may you find strength in this piece.

YOU are special.

YOU deserve love and respect.

YOU may not be able to have everybody's respect but YOU can, at all times, refused to be disrespected.

YOU are loved. No matter how screwed up you were and your choices in the past. There is always that someone who will look at you and see you unchanged. And that someone will even drag you with force, bringing you back to them. Just so they could hug you tight. And you can start over again.

YOU are a mother not because you have given birth but because you've done sacrifices mothers would do for their children. And your job may be too far from well-compensated but you choose to do it right. With vigor and enthusiasm like a young man on his first day of work. You are a mother because you are the last one you think about. You worry in silence. You solve problems and they come unnoticed. But you don't mind because you are a mother. 

YOU are strong. And you have the potential to be the strongest. You are born with a heart of a warrior. Some people will put this to test and you have to be wary. They could strike you when you're least prepared. But you are strong. Even strongest when you're down on your knees.

YOU always have the bigger responsibility. That's what they say. When marriage is like walking on a thin sheet of glass, it is up to a woman to make the glass thicker. When the other one has let go of your hand, it is up to a woman to go search that hand and hold it once again ( and this could happen over and over). You often have the most number of forgiving to do... Because you're a woman.

YOU will often have the biggest share of the blame. Because you're a woman. 

But a woman who does it right but whose efforts are unrequited and was given crap instead, walk with your head high. You are unbreakable. But it doesn't hurt to break a face or two. Then exit with grace. 

"Come. There's a way to be good again."

This is just one of the many lines in Kite Runner that struck me. And today, this very line came into mind as I listened to the first man who made me cry, the first man I've argued with, the man who broke my heart first, yet, made me feel - everything was worth it. My father.

They say you know you've grown older when you're starting to look like your parents.

As for me, I was born old. An old soul. 

This served me both in good and bad ways.

I refuse to be manipulated. I speak my mind. I wasn't the best daughter there is. 

In so many ways, I made my parents hate and despise me. Made them cry by being me or because of the things I've done.

Although only a few made mention of this, one of the upsides of growing old is your privilege to bare your heart (and soul) to your parents. I tell you, grow old and you will rightfully gain that claim. 

Do not grow old in numbers but in wisdom. Outgrow negativities. Outgrow hurts in the past. Outgrow what if's. 

Outgrow angst.

But as you grow old, grow old in and with love.

Wisdom and love.

Wisdom lets you forgive. Love lets you forget and start a brand new beginning. 

In your journey, never let go of the people (they are rare to find) who will unpretentiously tell you,

"Come. There's a way to be good again."

Mona Lisa

Just as little boys are destined to be men, I believe that the ultimate destination of every little girl is motherhood. I remember having this as my first thought that day, December 30, 2011. And on that same day, I embraced motherhood.


When people here in CdO were (and still are) braving the havoc Sendong has left, there's been a saying that went viral and has led people to believe they weren't victims after all:


"I refuse to be a victim, I am a resource." 


And after having the confirmation I needed, I told myself and some friends:  


"I refuse to see this as a problem, this is GRACE."


Admittedly, I've already committed a mistake in thinking it wasn't a problem because it would mean, I initially saw it as one. I was immediately sorry. 


Since that day, I've been holding on to the joy this life inside me has been sharing with me. Like what I often tell my friends, I prefer joy over happiness. Joy is more lasting and isn't tied and dependent to situations. Sure, it may flicker at times but if you see beyond anxieties and doubts and hardships, its light becomes brighter, powerful.



My Joy


Whenever I pray (and please don't get the impression I am a prayerful person more so religious and spiritual), I always thank God for the gift of life I am living. And now, I am carrying a life inside me (I am typing this with the biggest grin on my face!) This is my Joy. The Joy of Life.


There may have been times that Joy had flickered on me (sometimes, it went on for days), I consciously fought back so I could regain and bring back its steady light. 

And just like before I could smile and cry and tell you I am happy at the same time not just because I can but because I am. And it may sound crazy to you but isn't that what we often tell our friends? "My mom's crazy [but I love her and her love's bigger than mine]"


My Strength


If you're looking for the strongest woman on Earth, look at your mother. That's strength and grace personified. And she will look back at you with love and admiration. 
I used to tell friends I could see myself as a good mother but not as a good partner. In a few months and the coming years, I've yet to see how good I can be. I could be both (for all I know) SHMG :-)