Half-life...

I may have spent more than half of my entire life being questioned, misunderstood, criticized, and judged by other people. But I couldn't care less. These people barely know me or may have had a quick encounter with me (but still, know less than 1% about me) Yes, this could be a me, myself, and I post (be warned). I owe it to myself. I am finally full and almost done with putting other people's best interest before me. I am barely hanging in there and I have nothing to blame but myself.

You see, it's easier to dismiss other people's negative thoughts and impressions about you but if it's your family, close friends, and people you thought you'd be sharing a significant part of your life with who misunderstood/judged you, you're shattered.

So here I am, asking myself how bad or worst of a person am I?

I am not out of the ordinary. When people have tried so hard to prove they are different from others, I'd say, what's wrong with being ordinary? I eat, I pray, I get mad and sometimes, I get even.

I might as well expound on the last point since this is where it's leading. People who really know me understand that whenever I raise my voice, that doesn't necessarily construe to getting mad. My voice also has this annoying high pitch that would make you want to choke my neck to see if it can get any lower and deeper. And sometimes, some people don't literally get what I'm saying so instead of asking me to explain further, they jump to their own mighty conclusions and take every word I said against me. Sounds like life, huh?

I could be a walking contradiction, but tell me who isn't and I will bow down before him/her and kiss his/her feet. And like any ordinary person, I get mad. Like really mad. But I don't get mad just for the heck of it. So don't fucking turn the tables and tell me I am a hating machine who's totally lost control of so much anger it becomes contagious because I have my middle finger to shove up your nose. Also, I like to be alone when I know I'm about to get mad so don't fucking follow me around nor take my silence as your chance to nag and then feel super about it because I stayed silent. You have no idea how much energy I have spent on that silence so if you break that, don't act all innocent and go saintly and preachy on me. FUCK YOU.

As I've said, I am barely hanging in there and to tell you upfront, I'm thinking of just letting go. Anything I have now, I've worked my ass to get them. I am where I am now because I believe hard work will get you somewhere.

But human as I am, I can also get mushy (you get the idea). And I sometimes, I get too mushy I forget about myself. My ways of expressing how mushy I am even gets misunderstood. Challenging people you care for and love to become better versions of themselves apparently don't work for everybody. The person you love will even take it out of context and take it as an insult and you're left wondering which part in whatever you said was meant to destroy that person.

I've fought a long fight. Fought against the flow because I am not really the go-with-the-flow type. I have a strong personality. Anyone who doesn't like that usually doesn't like me. I try to be friendly (because, I am introvert) and usually, I come out a victor. I gain new friends and I feel happy about it. I am a loyal friend. I will fight for a friend who's been judged and mistreated wrongfully. Yes, I could say I am a good friend.

I am a good sibling. I am not the perfect daughter but I am certainly not bad. I'm not a bad person. I am not a bad person. I am a believer in the goodness of every human being. And just because I get mad at you and tell you things any mad person could say, I am not a bad person. And even if I made you feel bad, I will regret it and will ask sorry for it because I am not a bad person.

But who cares? The people who really love you need no explanation and the people who really care would agree. I don't seem to be feeling anything of that sort exists in the past couple of months. So I consent myself to be weak and I will let go and start all over again.

Can't give love you don't have or no longer have.