August Rush

 Nah. This isn't some movie review entry. Take the title as it is.

It's not just a sprint. It's a  MARATHON. 

And while I know I shouldn't be squeezing this entry in amidst all the rushing, I need this breather so bad. My head is not a good place to be right now. It's like an internet browser with too many tabs and windows opened. My emotional health? Pretty much of it is dependent on what's happening above it so yeah, you get the picture. It's chaos.

I'm beating myself up for not being able to read a page or 2 of my current read daily. The only thing that keeps my sanity intact is escaping this world and be somewhere else - depends on where's my current read's setting. 

So I'm leaving this right here and find my antidote. This kind of chaos is not worth indulging especially when you're even made to look like you're not doing much. How easy it is for some people to reduce one's hard work into shit, really. That's takes a special talent and a thicker face. I am not made for this kind of world. 

Due Lies

 DISCLAIMER: The content doesn't have anything to do with the title. Just too lazy to come up with a better one. LOL

    Just like that, we're on the 7th month of the year, JULY. It's been said countless times that time seems to speed by. I don't know with you but my previous months feel like a distant memory. Ironic isn't it? Now that we have the technology to conveniently look at the past, the more it becomes distant to us. We yearn to feel and experience again the good times... and if you're a masochist, even the bad.

    I miss my mother. She's left us for almost 2 years now and you might think that the longer time passes, the easier it becomes. Yes and no. There are times when it gets easier; quite frankly, there are times I forget. But when I do remember, boy does it feel like something heavy is sitting on my chest.

    How do I deal with that? I cry while I listen to sad songs. I embrace my sadness and loneliness. I cry for the future that my mother won't be able to see most especially the kids growing up. I cry for the inevitable - the kids forgetting her. I cry for my shortcomings and failures; then and now. I mourn the could haves, should haves, and what-ifs.

    Mind you, my mother and I didn't have the best and closest relationship. We both possess strong personalities and sometimes, we clash. Now, I realize that it's the clash that's one of the things I miss. Those moments fueled me to do better and become stronger in facing life.

    Now that I'm swamped with so many things to do and tasks to accomplish both in work and personal life, I can't help but think about those moments. Mama's unique love language...

     July is my firstborn's birth month. Also happening this month is my daughter's assessment. I'll have two school kids this school year. 💪

PS: Also, this month 6 years ago, a life-changing decision I made turns out to be my hell now.

 

8 Years Later...

I am back. Not for good maybe. 
Maybe the next time I'll be out of the loop, it'll be another 8 or 10 or 12 years until I'll be back.
But I'm back. For now.
No matter how temporary this may be.

I can't even believe this one's still alive. I also fought it hard not to read my old entries. I am quite sure it'll only make me cringe. Haha

In as much as I want to provide you an update about what transpired in the last 8 years of my life, one entry would not suffice. So much had happened. So much.

My memory of this niche offering me comfort when I needed it is what [subconsciously] led me to logging in it again. It's like coming home after being absent for how many years. You go back to those special places where you spent much of your time and the memories start to keep flowing.

I'm giving myself a pep talk. I badly need it. This week is a little hellish. Hellish that I had to deactivate my Facebook account as my way of cutting out the hell. Lots of hell in this one. Well, that's how I feel. Am feeling...

Hellish days and weeks are just so depressing. You may think you are angry at someone or about something but really, when it all settles, you're left alone with that hole in your chest. It's a gaping hole that no amount of anger or inspiration can fill in. It's that hole that has to be revealed and acknowledged so that it can be closed.

I'm gonna say goodbye to this hole but for now, I'm gonna let it breathe. We both know it's gonna die anyway. We both know I will brush my knees off and will keep walking.

But tonight... I'm gonna feel this black hole gasping for its breath coz tonight... it's a friend.