A Christmas Carol

If this is the end I've been dreading for the past couple of months, they are all coming to me rather harshly. But I deserve this, perhaps so. I shall not cover my eyes and pretend to see and hear nothing.

From this time on, Christmas died. And I say this with sobs in between. I won't apologize for my weakness now. Being strong didn't get me anywhere. Or maybe it did. To HELL.

I am not pessimistic either. Things are what they appear to be. Right now. 

I don't believe in goodbyes. True enough, they really hurt. Especially the ones that you didn't see coming. But goodbye isn't the end. It is the start.

In this large space continuum, I am but one tiny dust ONLY. I don't matter.

The God I usually depend on disowned me. I am on my own.

The safest form I can take now is that of a SHADOW.

Night comes. Light will come knocking few hours from now. Again, NO more Christmas.

The Man in the Bus

There's a reason why I sometimes prefer public bus over private/hired vehicles. I love being with people. Although at times and admittedly, they do annoy me (crying kids most especially), each trip I spend with them is worth the while. Worth the 2 and up hours.

Bus rides also paves the way for self assessment and evaluation. Questions like, "How did I do today?" "How did I do this week?" "What are the things I have to improve?" "What are the things I should get rid of or I should stop doing?" - are most often the sets of questions I ask myself while enjoying each gift of nature I see from my favorite seat - by the window.

The trance that I'm in when inside the running bus enables my mind to flow like a running water. Anything goes. Good and bad. I smile (even laugh) at embarrassing or funny memories. And I try to get control over my mind when it starts reminding me of bad/hurtful memories.

Having said this, during today's bus ride, I didn't really stop my brain when it started thinking about the doubts, vague plans, and uncertainties I have at present. In fact, I entertained them. Accompanied by a song that aggravated the depression that was growing, I became a little sad. I started thinking about how I fucked up in a lot of things and ctrl+alt+del is just impossible. Correcting them in a day is another impossibility. 

So I started thinking how "unfortunate" I was until I saw this man seated in front of me and God I felt ashamed right then and there. Realizing the message God must've sent me, I was sorry and I started counting my blessings. 

"Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving." - Kahlil Gibran

Whatnots

Today, I just want to free my mind (and soul) from all the troubles they've been having since August (of this year)

First:

The idea of leaving my job has occurred to me again. Shall I do it? I mean, I thought I've made up my mind I won't do it for the next 8 months but here it is again. And the question has really been stressing me out. 

I also know it's good to make stupid choices in life once in a while. That it'd make life worth living. Stupid NOT reckless. Reckless choices are the ones we make without thinking about the consequences. At least that's how I see it.

And leaving the team at this time of the year is just reckless and irresponsible and unfair to my workmates. I am praying things will turn around for me so I could see all things in a brighter, more positive perspective. Coz sometimes, when you're not sure about leaving, there's gotta be some things which are keeping you. What are they? What are their values that they make you hesitate? Is everything worth postponing?

Second:

"Is your Christmas happy Man?" - my friend asked me this the other day. And at the back of my mind, I would love to say, "Yes, it is."

Instead, I told her, "I don't know. I hope it's as happy as last year's."

Christmas is my most favorite season of the year. The most special celebration I look forward to. Not my birthday. Certainly not Valentine's. Christmas. If Santa Claus were true, I'd ask him to sprinkle me with dust of laughter, love, and happiness.

Laughter.

So I could laugh at the corniest jokes thrown. Laughter is good for the heart.

Love.

It's the strongest thing in the world. Enables you to forgive and forget and make new beginnings. It's the whole sense of Christmas.

Happiness.

They say happiness is a choice. Yes, it is. But it's not ALWAYS a simple choice. I think we all know it's just not. But with Santa's dust of happiness sprinkled on me, it'd make me see the light in every darkness. Happiness in every sadness. With this genuinely around, laughter becomes natural and all the acts of loving become easy.

Third:

Frienship and Family.

Two things which I can say I'm good at, while at the same time, suck at. If I can't be myself with one person, then he/she can't be my friend. This goes to everybody. I don't want to be with anyone whom I have to walk on tiptoes. Thanks but no thanks. I think that is only acceptable if you and that person have just known each other for a month, 3months max . But if you've been around each other for more than that and you still feel like you always have to choose your words and be mindful of what you are gonna do, for pete's sake, do away with that person. 

First and foremost, it should be yourself you have to please. Other people are secondary. And no, it's not being selfish. At all. It's called self-esteem.

So long as you don't step on other people's toe, you are fine. 

I am a friend but I'm not a 'blind' friend. I may tolerate bullshits but there's a limit to that. And this goes to my siblings too. Thing is, if you fucked up things, fix it. If there's no point fixing it or it's beyond fixing, leave it! No need to carry it with you. Simple as that. My real friends/siblings know that they can't have my support if they're the ones who messed things up. I stand up and defend other people, even people I don't know, but I make sure I have the facts. They're as important as being a friend/daughter/sibling.

Happy Birthday :-)

Oh I really thought it's tom! Ha! I even had it on my planner. Wrong date - wrong person it must have been. LOL
But happy birthday to you dear friend. (name-dropping strictly a no - NO)


Well anyway, I woke up to the neighbor's Shania Twain at full blast. There's no use staying in bed covering my head both with sheet and pillows. So I got up. Turned my music on (#nowplaying Lovers in Japan by Coldplay) and after this, I will go on with my morning ritual: COFFEE, COFFEE, COFFEE.


Here's my prayer for today:


Dear Lord,


As another month unfolds right in front of my eyes, I pray I will not be blind to the beauties of the morning especially to the warmth of the sun. It certainly is kinder in the early mornings it deserves humans' daily embrace.

I pray I would think about and pray for the people I care so much right before leaving the comforts of my bed. My love for them fills up a large space in my life and I intend to keep it that way.
By loving them, I pray I won't hurt them in any way. You see Lord, I have a rather different way of loving people, I think You can attest to that. 


I pray for their protection, for their strength, for their love. May You always be there for me as I ask for forgiveness to those I've (unintentionally) hurt, to those I've neglected, to those I've to let go.. 


And as I boldly seek others' forgiveness and absolution, may I also find the courage to forgive and love my self if I falter, fall down, and find myself in the pits. I pray for a bigger space filled with love in my heart. For love gives birth to everything. And may it give birth to more goodness and happiness. 


Amen.




#NowPlaying "Grown Up Christmas List" by Michael Buble