Friends with Benefits

"It's not who you spend Friday night with, it's who you want to spend all Saturday with.."


Part I.


I wanna spend it with myself. I wanna date myself every weekend. I owe myself that. 


I've always made myself available for others. But haven't for myself. That's a fact. I'm not defending it. My defenses are getting weaker every week, every morning I wake up. 


The hard part? When I no longer know what I want. When reason and purpose turn evasive and I'm stuck with "why", "where", "how", "what", and "when". 


Routine is the water poured down to my fire of passion. Dying slowly. I, barely noticing.


I could shrug things off like I usually do. But not this time. This has been nagging at me since when. I owe myself an apology. An explanation. A date. Time. And love.


Love. "Have I stopped loving myself lately?", I ask. YES, at some point, I did. Or I haven't loved much. Provided much. There's always this gaping hole needed to be filled in. 


Like a man courting a woman, I'm gonna woo myself with books, movies, music, nature, friends and family. And my ace of aces: ADVENTURE


It is possible to be in different places every week. Be with different people every friggin' week. Have nature right at your face... yet, feel NOTHING at all. I'm an android in the making. I guess I am.


Remembering one of my favorite animated films (Up), I'm back to writing my own adventure. With myself (first) and with people who matter (second). 


To tend a plant, one needs to trim, clip, remove. Some things I've already removed in my life. Vices I'm better off without. And I'm trimming and clipping MORE. Habits, people, places, etc...


Amidst all these "losing touch with myself" spectacle, life never ceases to give me reasons to smile. One strong connection myself and my self share. Life is always good. 


Jamie: "You're emotionally unavailable?"
Dylan: "Oh, yeah."
Jamie: "I'm emotionally damaged!"


Part II.


Of the many things (monthly periods and pregnancy) women have to deal with, why didn't fate give men EMOTIONS to deal with?? Just a thought. 'Coz if there's a Man in every WoMan, then they're free to unburden us women from the task of handling emotions!


They say women are more emotional than men. Damn it! Are we?! LOL


Society implicitly requires our men to be a little emotion-less. Sometimes, I'm fine with that. Sometimes, I'm freakin' not. Friends who've been asking lately, here's the real score:


"I am emotionally unavailable because I may be emotionally fucked up."


Sad. But, true story.


(As I'm typing this, Colbie Caillat's I Never Told You is playing in the background. Cosmic intervention.)

Blindfold

‎"No, do not call me to say you miss me. Do not text me, do not e-mail me... do not write it on my wall! If you really miss me, come here and tell me that!"

Confessions of a (still) Broken Heart

Dear Heart,


I wonder when will you ever stop going back to memory lane altogether stop thinking about could haves and should haves. Are they doing you any good? Tell me. You belong to this person who rarely regrets and who rarely looks back. What the f*k is happening now? Few minutes ago, brain was thinking about a beach and what has really become of your owner now?! Imagine a BEACH! She's never been a beach person. But.. Oh never mind.. 
To the man who left you in ruins. Boy he was good.. You're a heart hardened by cynicism but he managed to break you well. And your owner, she's done her best NOT to use you in situations she should have. Could you really blame her? Picking up your missing pieces took her almost a year. The longest dark moments of her life. Please cooperate. I heard she's not using you for the next coming months. 


Yours,
Flickering Consciousness

I Died Several Times While I was Alive

Die Slowly - Pablo Neruda


He who becomes the slave of habit,
who follows the same routes every day,
who never changes pace,
who does not risk and change the color of his clothes,
who does not speak and does not experience, dies slowly.


He or she who shuns passion,
who prefers black on white,
dotting ones “i’s” rather than a bundle of emotions,
the kind that make your eyes glimmer,
that turn a yawn into a smile,
that make the heart pound
in the face of mistakes and feelings, dies slowly.


He or she who does not turn things topsy-turvy,
who is unhappy at work,
who does not risk certainty for uncertainty,
to thus follow a dream,
those who do not forego sound advice
at least once in their lives, die slowly.


He who does not travel,
who does not read,
who does not listen to music,
who does not find grace in himself, dies slowly.


He who slowly destroys his own self-esteem,
who does not allow himself to be helped,
who spends days on end complaining about his own bad luck,
about the rain that never stops, dies slowly.


He or she who abandon a project before starting it,
who fail to ask questions on subjects he doesn’t know,
he who don’t reply when they are asked something they do know, die slowly.


Let’s try and avoid death in small doses,
always reminding oneself that being alive
requires an effort by far
greater than the simple fact of breathing.

Only a burning patience will lead to the attainment
of a splendid happiness.

Wednesday

Not my favorite day but always considered it "special". Like the mystery of the week revealed and highlighted on this day. Love intensified. Happiness at full blast. Souls too light, almost floating. 


The green in contrast to brown. The blue that blends with the fluffy white. I'm living. Even embracing the shadows that I cannot run away from. 


I smile. The world smiles back. Wednesday.

No Fair

Life.


And as I clutch my cup of coffee, inhale it...


Last night's drama meant nothing. Almost nothing.


I'm an addict.


Addicted.


Life.

Backpain

I cry silent tears.
But not really.


I despair.
Not really.


This crazy maze.
Somebody find me.


SOS

Bakit Baliktad Magbasa ng Libro ang mga Pilipino?

Bakit Baligtad Magbasa ng Libro ang mga Pilipino? by Bob Ong
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

Matagal-tagal rin bago ko ulit sinubukang bumasa ng gawa ni Bob Ong. Eto pala ang sikreto... Wag basahin nang sunod-sunod ang mga likha niya para di ka madismaya. Kung naging 'predictable' man siya, ito marahil ay dahil hindi nabigyan ng pagkakataong dumaloy at sumiit sa isip at puso ang mga unang likhang nabasa.


Nasyonalismo ang nais iparating ng aklat na, "Bakit Baliktad Magbasa ng Libro ang mga Pilipino?" Hindi yung tipong nanghihikayat mamatay para sa bayan kundi yung tipong, "Higit sa pagiging Pilipino, sino at bakit ka naging gayon?"


Huwag gawing literal ang pamagat ng aklat. Baliktad nga bang magbasa ng libro tayong mga Pinoy? Alam natin ang sagot dito...


Marahil ay sa ibang bagay tayo "baliktad". At gaya ng layunin ng aklat na ito, hindi sa pamimintas at panghuhusga ang nais ibahagi at iparating ng aklat. Higit sa ano pa man, nais nitong mamulat tayo sa katotohanang hindi sapat na maging Pilipino. Ang pagiging Pilipino o anong 'citizenship' pa man ay may mga kaakibat na obligasyon at responsibilidad.


Mabaho at nakakahiya man ang ibang naipinta at naipahayag ng aklat na ito ukol sa mga Pilipino, naging tapat at totoo naman ito. Ang hamon ay di nagtatapos sa hiyang umusbong, kundi sa pagsusumikap ng bawat isang maging mabuti at karapat-dapat. Kung paano nga ba maging karapat-dapat, iba't iba ang batayan. Lahat may opinyon. Mahirap maging mabuti sa bawat pagkakataon. Subalit mahirap lamang ito para sa mga nagsusumikap. Sa mga umaakto at nagdedesisyon base sa kanilang mabubuting konsensya. Sa mga tapat at nananalig na hindi lahat ng Pinoy ay baliktad magbasa. (:



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Needle in the Hay

"So I can be quiet whenever I want.
Leave me alone."


Elliot Smith's Needle in the Hay. I'm listening to Melissa Laveaux's rendition. Not because it's better but because it fits the mood. The gloom. The weather. The sky crying. And my vindication.


"What a feeling, bein's believin'
I can't have it all, now I'm dancin' for my life
Take your passion, and make it happen
Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life"

Flashdance. Yes. We are our rhythm. I am my rhythm. I am the rhythm. 
So long as there's tomorrow. There's another morning. You can't be too SAD.


Round and round. You keep on going. But leave the sadness and darkness behind. Baggage you don't need. 


So now, smile. Spread your arms. Sway.


Sing and dance your life. 

EDSA. Mozilla. Coffee

February 25, 2011
25th People Power Anniversary

Outside, the rain sounds pissed. Inside, my brother's watching "The Departed". This came after I stupidly nagged at him for staying at home (he's supposed to be going to school- my persistent thought) and there came his retort, "Holiday man ron!".  And that's the end of it.

I woke up feeling frustrated and disappointed. This is the 2nd or 3rd day actually. Work frustrates me. My own me disappoints me. Google chrome with its Tagalog pop-ups/commands/whatnot gets into me. I opened Mozilla instead. But I'm using IE as I'm doing this. I am doomed. And I don't want to care. Don't want to care.

Coffee is my opium. But not now. It's liquified valium. I just made that up. But that's how it feels. So kindly throw me your greatest coffee playlist. At full blast please.

Thank You

For some people, "Sorry" or "Goodbye" aren't the hardest words to say. It's "THANK YOU". 


And I don't want to fall on my knees and beg you to say those to me no matter how I so much deserve them. I won't do that. 


But acting like an ingrate or demanding more is rubbing salt in the wound!


You. Ruined. My. Day.


Thank You

9 Crimes

He's part of my everyday. And now, he went on:


It's the wrong time
for somebody new
It's a small crime
And I got no excuse


And that is alright? yea
give my gun away when it's loaded
that's alright? yea
If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it?


Damien Rice, 9 Crimes

2011's First Two

I've been staring at the blinking cursor for half a minute now. Clearly, I don't know how to begin this. Time passing by so swiftly isn't news to us all. But realizing how actually it passed by is still quite unbelievable. I'm at a loss for words so for the first time since I started using this account, I'm putting photos in it. That's a good sign, ain't it? Okay, whatever. Here they are: 

 

This is Sara. A close friend way back college. Last time we saw each other before this was Dec 2009. Good start for me! :)

One of the first trips we made early this year. Can't remember the exact date. We're on our way to Valencia, Bukidnon. One of those rainy trips. People posting about how Forks it is in their place but they gotta go to Bukidnon to really say, "Okay, this one's the real Philippine Forks." If you haven't figured out what this photo is, it's one of those bridges you get to pass by as you go along your way to the province.

One of the things I love about CdO is this! Great to be back :)

A great unplanned Saturday night with Sar. 

A pre-V Day date with Noes. Another close friend :)

V-Day night at Divisoria, CdO

This one's quite special to me. Technically, I was the only one traveling this time. Going to Ozamis/Mis Occ.

The first time I learned how to pay for my own tickets so I could get on a barge going to Ozamis City. This one's in Mukas Port.

YOU always know

I don't know what day it was. Day I vowed I was gonna shut my world out to friends by limiting their contact to me. Of course I'm talking about the most powerful social network that is Facebook. 


Why?
Just as how Mandy Moore had put it in A Walk to Remember -"I'd tell you but then I'd have to kill you."


So let the reason be known to me ONLY.


I am fine. Just getting started actually.


"Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it."
Ezra 10:4

A Conversation

Hey God,

You alone have full access to the desires and longings of my heart. I am deeply grateful for this new patience and self restraint I've recently developed. Thank you for helping me keep my thoughts to myself even if I so want to blurt them out and even if other people don't. And in so many ways, people keep misinterpreting my words, my actions, I need not worry for I am only accountable to You. A lot of times, since the year started, I've been put to test. Challenged. And honestly, I don't really know if I've fought well. 

If being strong is my greatest liability, then by all means, make me weak.

If knowing what I want proves to be another liability, then please confuse me.

Coz yea, I see what people are telling for the longest time. I am a pleaser. Although not the conventional type but still...

You also have full access to my brain neurons so you know every thought I have. I never wanted nor meant to hurt anyone. Sorry isn't the hardest word for me. And I forgive easily. 

But I'm not a saint and never will be. I have my own share of wicked, almost evil, schemes. I hate. I curse. I lie. I judge. I blame. I'm a sloth. 

You see, I'm telling you all these to make you see that you have all the reasons to abandon me. But you did not. You haven't. Even if it was you I hated. It was you I cursed. It was you I blamed. 

I possibly have exhausted all efforts to grasp the reason and logic behind the simple WHY but I'm still lost and I've accepted the fact that reasons and logic aren't your ways of LOVE.

Like all times, I humbly ask you to please purify my thoughts. Cleanse my heart from all hatred, prejudices, lies, laziness, and anything that's devoid of love.

And the people I have in my heart, like what I always pray, may you continue protecting and guarding them from all forms of danger and mischief. I love them even if, a lot of times, I fall short of expressing and letting them know how much they mean to me.

I hope you don't get tired of hearing me say Thank You, Sorry, and I love you to You.

Yours,

Prodigal Daughter

A Piece I will Read again by 2012

WORK

We just had our first staff meeting for the year. As I took down notes, can't help but scribble "10" instead of "11". And I bet, some of you had the same experience ;)

The thing I said about me still learning my ABCs in the world of NGOs (GOs included) - that's a fact. Delving into new projects always makes me feel like the newcomer. The eager one to learn about IPs, Agri Gov, etc. And with this, I got my hands firmly holding the ropes that feed me knowledge and strength and teach me humility and genuine care for other people.

I never thought SOCIAL DEVELOPMENT could be this fun! :D

LOVE

If there's one thing as NORMAL as BREATHING, it's LOVING. (you can quote me on that *grins*)
The thing with us humans is that we tell ourselves and we tell others we're tired of "it". And usually, we say this after we got hurt. But fact remains: "There's no such thing as tired of IT."
The best cure there is to hurt and pain of the past: LOVE AGAIN. Love and love until it hurts no more.

Now you may not take this seriously or [make that] take me seriously (considering I just asked God to keep me single this year -LMAO) but really, ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE :)

Now it may take months and years before you finally get over someone - that's normal. If it's any consolation, if it's still hurting, IT MUST HAVE BEEN REAL. And real these days - is a RARE thing to happen.

And so I vowed to surround myself with family and friends - they're love too. People will hate me for being me, I respect that. I say sorry for the wrongs I've done because sorry isn't tantamount to GUILT. I will laugh more often. Smile to everybody. Cry. And again, LOVE. (teeeheee!lol)


LIVE

Stop wasting your energy understanding life. We're meant to live life. And by living it, we get the real meaning.

Don't spend too much time planning every little details of your life. Some things we got control over, but admit there are also things which you can never plan ahead.

One of the best things life has given us is TIME. Never say you're busy or you WILL surely be BUSY.

Be angry if there's a NEED to be angry but don't be angry ALL THE TIME.

Speak your mind. But know when to keep thoughts to yourself.

Don't worry too much. The only place it will take you is NOWHERE.

Don't mind other people's lives. You have your own life to mull over.

Forgive. Even if you haven't heard people's "SORRY".

Respect. Especially other people's faith.

Challenge and take challenges.

Read. That's traveling for FREE.

You're entitled to talk nonsense every now and then. We all ARE.

Stand up for what is RIGHT.

Say PLEASE and THANK YOU. And mean them.

Remember: "Different strokes for different folks."

Take PHOTOS. Soon, your memory will fail you.

Your FAMILY is your first and last REFUGE.

Your SIBLINGS are your original best friends. Hold them dearly.

EMPATHY is NOT putting up with people who refuse to grow. Sometimes, you can only do so much.

Be spontaneous.

But be predictable too.

Take care of your HEART. But do that without breaking other people's hearts.

Believe in second, third, fourth CHANCES.

But know when to STOP.

KISS a stranger. That is, do things you've NEVER tried doing before.

Be fair.

Supply advices. But don't IMPOSE them.

Make mistakes.

Make lousy decisions.

But LEARN.

Live...

The Prism of War

It has occurred to me that war wasn't invented by the Muslims or by the Christians. It wasn't invented by a group of people who so strongly and firmly believed having more means having the greater power.


The war was invented by individual minds. Collected. Actualized. And you can just imagine the havoc it wreaked.


And so then I looked into myself and thought about WAR. In its deepest sense. Every man has his own war. A war against LOVE not because love is a bad thing but because declaring war against it would somehow mean having a strong shield against hurt and pain.


A war against DREAMS. Or maybe not dreams per se but the road that leads us to achieving them. The road proves narrow and steep and rough and we start to lose sight of our goal. We begin to hesitate. And at the dawn of that hesitation, we have declared war against those dreams we had since childhood.


A war against FAITH. It would be too arrogant to call it RELIGION for I know only a little about it. It's faith that makes it more human. We may have definite names and terms referring to sects and religion we belong to but we cannot name our faith. Faith becomes stronger when it's wavering. Ironic you may say but I believe that the moment one becomes certain of its entirety, a war has been declared against it.


A war against WAR. The inner battles we try to conceal to put up a strong facade. The smiles we have to make to cover the crumbling that's really happening inside. When we can't make up our minds as to admit we're vulnerable or we can still take a crap from life.


And the list goes on and on. The faces of war. The little wars we have everyday. The big wars that make it on TV. 


But what makes it a war is the CAUSE. I know some of my causes. And some of them I discovered in the middle of the rampage.

The Art of Love Making... with a BOOK

Bookworm. Wide-reader. Whatever you call it, it boils down to one thing: the LOVE for reading.
But how do you manifest your LOVE? And you go on saying, "Woman, what the hell are you talking about?"


Well then, let me give me give you ideas how I make love with the books I read:

1. It all starts with the SMELL. - I don't care if you're gonna look at me like I'm some weird/crazy book buyer you've bumped into in a bookshop because I'm still gonna be doing what you caught me doing: SNIFFING books! So yes, I love the smell of books or any reading materials. So before heading to the cashier to pay, you'll find me just around anywhere, sniffing. Turning pages. Sniffing..

2. Anything that comes before page 1 is the FOREPLAY. Make it good! - It's also my own little way of showing respect to the author's work. If I can be patient enough to read the entire book, reading the first few pages before page 1 is just a piece of cake. So go read those pages. They won't be there if they aren't necessary.


3. Be the gentle lover. - Hold the book with BOTH hands. I don't need a fancy bookmark to avoid dog ears. Any paper will do. Folding corners of the book for markers is not being gentle.


4. Preserve MEMORIES. - So there was one time, my boss asked me, "What are you doing writing down lines from the book?" And I just said, "Well, it's a habit I'm not willing to break."
Sure, I can just highlight the lines in every pages but it doesn't give me the same feeling I get from really WRITING down the lines which struck me. So I write them down, and even if it's been a long while since I've finished one particular book, I still can remember the lines I loved from that book.


These four, are my most obvious manifestations of love for reading.

Basic Indifference Ingredient: HATE

Do not hate HATE.

I am NOT an advocate of hatred. I simply want to cite instances where hating can actually become beneficial.


So now you're raising a brow, I do perfectly understand that. But hear me out. And to be blunt about it, honey, I don't need your agreement.


Sprinkle a little hatred and you'll be fine:


1. When forgetting becomes too burdensome - choose to hate. And I think that could be a good start. And you can either choose to hate the things and the people you want to forget or you can choose to hate yourself.


The former is easier to do but I recommend the latter. To hate someone/something means having reasons which would validate and justify the feeling. You can't hate and musn't hate someone/something because you feel like it. Hating has responsibilities too.


2. Hate SILENCE. Hearing the truth is more comfortable. Silence is for cowards. You don't have all the time in the world. If people can't give the truth you deserve, let guilt kill them.


3. Hate those who are constantly and/or forever CONFUSED. The cowards in the guise of goody-goodies with fake halos. Sometimes, there's only YES and NO. No MAYBEs. MAYBEs are for selfish individuals who want to play it safe all the time. SCREW them!


You think it's gonna be difficult but we all have to start making and taking baby steps. So give it a go. Give it a try. And let me know how it "helped" you. Cheers!

Epic Fail

I have this raving desire and urge to talk about "failure" and all of its intricacies but descriptions are turning elusive. What do I really now about IT? For one, I only know it's such a pain in the ass. It drags you down to the pits. And it leaves you gasping for some air.

It leaves a hole in you. And filling up that hole ain't that easy. You don't even know how or where to start patching it. So for a while, you will be nurturing the dark emotion. Until you can take it no longer.

But according to JK Rowling, "Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure, but the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria if you let it."

If only it's that easy and simple to decipher whose criteria you are religiously following..

Because, I used to think I'm doing okay. Doing better even. And I used not to care about other people's success stories. Until now..

And I can't quite put my fingers on the reasons behind. Why now? And how?

I also used to tell friends that success is relative. And now I'm starting to doubt my own words. Is it really?

Because reality is, you'll come across conversations and pictures of your peers. And you'll realize how far they are from you. And without any slightest tinge of hypocrisy, you feel insecure. Even envy.

Does that immediately make you a bad/worse person? Who's gonna cast the first stone?

I am not advocating for nursing dark and empty and negative emotion such as this. This is reality. A real human experience.

You feel bad about something. You feel you're an epic fail. You feel insecure and envious. And you feel hollow and empty.

Do not deny yourself any of these emotions and experiences (unless of course, you're making an android of yourself)

Because if we go back to the subject of success. Won't this thing be at its sweetest if you've come face to face with failure (or lots of it) first?