Mona Lisa

Just as little boys are destined to be men, I believe that the ultimate destination of every little girl is motherhood. I remember having this as my first thought that day, December 30, 2011. And on that same day, I embraced motherhood.


When people here in CdO were (and still are) braving the havoc Sendong has left, there's been a saying that went viral and has led people to believe they weren't victims after all:


"I refuse to be a victim, I am a resource." 


And after having the confirmation I needed, I told myself and some friends:  


"I refuse to see this as a problem, this is GRACE."


Admittedly, I've already committed a mistake in thinking it wasn't a problem because it would mean, I initially saw it as one. I was immediately sorry. 


Since that day, I've been holding on to the joy this life inside me has been sharing with me. Like what I often tell my friends, I prefer joy over happiness. Joy is more lasting and isn't tied and dependent to situations. Sure, it may flicker at times but if you see beyond anxieties and doubts and hardships, its light becomes brighter, powerful.



My Joy


Whenever I pray (and please don't get the impression I am a prayerful person more so religious and spiritual), I always thank God for the gift of life I am living. And now, I am carrying a life inside me (I am typing this with the biggest grin on my face!) This is my Joy. The Joy of Life.


There may have been times that Joy had flickered on me (sometimes, it went on for days), I consciously fought back so I could regain and bring back its steady light. 

And just like before I could smile and cry and tell you I am happy at the same time not just because I can but because I am. And it may sound crazy to you but isn't that what we often tell our friends? "My mom's crazy [but I love her and her love's bigger than mine]"


My Strength


If you're looking for the strongest woman on Earth, look at your mother. That's strength and grace personified. And she will look back at you with love and admiration. 
I used to tell friends I could see myself as a good mother but not as a good partner. In a few months and the coming years, I've yet to see how good I can be. I could be both (for all I know) SHMG :-)

A Christmas Carol

If this is the end I've been dreading for the past couple of months, they are all coming to me rather harshly. But I deserve this, perhaps so. I shall not cover my eyes and pretend to see and hear nothing.

From this time on, Christmas died. And I say this with sobs in between. I won't apologize for my weakness now. Being strong didn't get me anywhere. Or maybe it did. To HELL.

I am not pessimistic either. Things are what they appear to be. Right now. 

I don't believe in goodbyes. True enough, they really hurt. Especially the ones that you didn't see coming. But goodbye isn't the end. It is the start.

In this large space continuum, I am but one tiny dust ONLY. I don't matter.

The God I usually depend on disowned me. I am on my own.

The safest form I can take now is that of a SHADOW.

Night comes. Light will come knocking few hours from now. Again, NO more Christmas.

The Man in the Bus

There's a reason why I sometimes prefer public bus over private/hired vehicles. I love being with people. Although at times and admittedly, they do annoy me (crying kids most especially), each trip I spend with them is worth the while. Worth the 2 and up hours.

Bus rides also paves the way for self assessment and evaluation. Questions like, "How did I do today?" "How did I do this week?" "What are the things I have to improve?" "What are the things I should get rid of or I should stop doing?" - are most often the sets of questions I ask myself while enjoying each gift of nature I see from my favorite seat - by the window.

The trance that I'm in when inside the running bus enables my mind to flow like a running water. Anything goes. Good and bad. I smile (even laugh) at embarrassing or funny memories. And I try to get control over my mind when it starts reminding me of bad/hurtful memories.

Having said this, during today's bus ride, I didn't really stop my brain when it started thinking about the doubts, vague plans, and uncertainties I have at present. In fact, I entertained them. Accompanied by a song that aggravated the depression that was growing, I became a little sad. I started thinking about how I fucked up in a lot of things and ctrl+alt+del is just impossible. Correcting them in a day is another impossibility. 

So I started thinking how "unfortunate" I was until I saw this man seated in front of me and God I felt ashamed right then and there. Realizing the message God must've sent me, I was sorry and I started counting my blessings. 

"Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving." - Kahlil Gibran

Whatnots

Today, I just want to free my mind (and soul) from all the troubles they've been having since August (of this year)

First:

The idea of leaving my job has occurred to me again. Shall I do it? I mean, I thought I've made up my mind I won't do it for the next 8 months but here it is again. And the question has really been stressing me out. 

I also know it's good to make stupid choices in life once in a while. That it'd make life worth living. Stupid NOT reckless. Reckless choices are the ones we make without thinking about the consequences. At least that's how I see it.

And leaving the team at this time of the year is just reckless and irresponsible and unfair to my workmates. I am praying things will turn around for me so I could see all things in a brighter, more positive perspective. Coz sometimes, when you're not sure about leaving, there's gotta be some things which are keeping you. What are they? What are their values that they make you hesitate? Is everything worth postponing?

Second:

"Is your Christmas happy Man?" - my friend asked me this the other day. And at the back of my mind, I would love to say, "Yes, it is."

Instead, I told her, "I don't know. I hope it's as happy as last year's."

Christmas is my most favorite season of the year. The most special celebration I look forward to. Not my birthday. Certainly not Valentine's. Christmas. If Santa Claus were true, I'd ask him to sprinkle me with dust of laughter, love, and happiness.

Laughter.

So I could laugh at the corniest jokes thrown. Laughter is good for the heart.

Love.

It's the strongest thing in the world. Enables you to forgive and forget and make new beginnings. It's the whole sense of Christmas.

Happiness.

They say happiness is a choice. Yes, it is. But it's not ALWAYS a simple choice. I think we all know it's just not. But with Santa's dust of happiness sprinkled on me, it'd make me see the light in every darkness. Happiness in every sadness. With this genuinely around, laughter becomes natural and all the acts of loving become easy.

Third:

Frienship and Family.

Two things which I can say I'm good at, while at the same time, suck at. If I can't be myself with one person, then he/she can't be my friend. This goes to everybody. I don't want to be with anyone whom I have to walk on tiptoes. Thanks but no thanks. I think that is only acceptable if you and that person have just known each other for a month, 3months max . But if you've been around each other for more than that and you still feel like you always have to choose your words and be mindful of what you are gonna do, for pete's sake, do away with that person. 

First and foremost, it should be yourself you have to please. Other people are secondary. And no, it's not being selfish. At all. It's called self-esteem.

So long as you don't step on other people's toe, you are fine. 

I am a friend but I'm not a 'blind' friend. I may tolerate bullshits but there's a limit to that. And this goes to my siblings too. Thing is, if you fucked up things, fix it. If there's no point fixing it or it's beyond fixing, leave it! No need to carry it with you. Simple as that. My real friends/siblings know that they can't have my support if they're the ones who messed things up. I stand up and defend other people, even people I don't know, but I make sure I have the facts. They're as important as being a friend/daughter/sibling.

Happy Birthday :-)

Oh I really thought it's tom! Ha! I even had it on my planner. Wrong date - wrong person it must have been. LOL
But happy birthday to you dear friend. (name-dropping strictly a no - NO)


Well anyway, I woke up to the neighbor's Shania Twain at full blast. There's no use staying in bed covering my head both with sheet and pillows. So I got up. Turned my music on (#nowplaying Lovers in Japan by Coldplay) and after this, I will go on with my morning ritual: COFFEE, COFFEE, COFFEE.


Here's my prayer for today:


Dear Lord,


As another month unfolds right in front of my eyes, I pray I will not be blind to the beauties of the morning especially to the warmth of the sun. It certainly is kinder in the early mornings it deserves humans' daily embrace.

I pray I would think about and pray for the people I care so much right before leaving the comforts of my bed. My love for them fills up a large space in my life and I intend to keep it that way.
By loving them, I pray I won't hurt them in any way. You see Lord, I have a rather different way of loving people, I think You can attest to that. 


I pray for their protection, for their strength, for their love. May You always be there for me as I ask for forgiveness to those I've (unintentionally) hurt, to those I've neglected, to those I've to let go.. 


And as I boldly seek others' forgiveness and absolution, may I also find the courage to forgive and love my self if I falter, fall down, and find myself in the pits. I pray for a bigger space filled with love in my heart. For love gives birth to everything. And may it give birth to more goodness and happiness. 


Amen.




#NowPlaying "Grown Up Christmas List" by Michael Buble

I'm Tough Coz Someone Broke my Heart and I Only Cried for Just a Year

This post is specially dedicated to my friend who made me realize how TOUGH I am. Krizza Mae Balog (oh you deserve a special mention like that!), this is for you :-)


So let's start this off with..


"You know how tough I am?"


And..


Maya just made me realize how tough I am by stating what I've been neglecting all along. She said, "May gani man makaya nimo na naa gihapon ka diha CdO where all your memories are."


And reading that, I was mentally like, "Holy guacamole! Hell yeah!"


I mean, for the FIRST time, I DID NOT run away. That's what I usually do, mind you. An escapist. But escapist NO MORE. Thank you for making me acknowledge the battles I've won May :-)


I'm positive whatever I'm gonna go through the next days, weeks, and months, I will survive. 


Cheers to The Bulls! :-)

Sunday

I woke up before 10 am. That may be a little late but considering I've slept around 2-ish (or something), that's just alright. Ha! Why am I defending it?? :P


For some reason, the first thing that came into my mind (while I was looking for my mobile phone charger) has been this:


"I know we're not exclusive but please be careful with me."


Guess I've said that to the wrong guy. Been with the wrong guy the past couple of months. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.


But isn't that what we always tell ourselves when people tend to hurt us? And I say I don't care if they know it or not. 


Also, I gotta be careful. I got a new friend who's been quite patient reading/scanning my entries and he has bluntly stated the obvious: 


"Ang emo ng mga posts mo." - ha! Isang malaking che! LOL


But that person is actually right. Oh well, for one, I don't stay in front of my pc drafting new entries when I'm too happy. 


That's what I'm trying now. *wink*


Despite last night's sullen mood, I woke up feeling okay; feeling hopeful. Life is good. I can feel God smiling at me. 


I'll keep on smiling :-)

Patrick: "Oh east! I thought you said weast."

Listening to: "Falling Out of Trees" by Barcelona

Pagpag

Ngayong gabi,
iniukit sa puso at utak na kailan ma'y hindi ka na iisipin.
At kung sakaling maglakbay man ang aking diwa at maisip ka,
aalahanin ang sakit na dinulot.
Kakamuhian ka gaya ng pagkamuhi'ng naramdaman nang
unti-unting nabatid ang umuusbong na gusto.

Gago ka.

Yun lang.

Ano ngayon kung nasaktan ako?
Pinaiyak mo lang ako,
panyo't konting singhot lang ang katapat nito.

Humayo ka.
Ako - tatayo. Babangon.
Gaya lang ng dati.

Salamat.


Kasalukuyang Pinakikinggan: "Someday" by All 4 One (The Hunchback of Notre Dame)

Pick a Finger

At times when your fears and doubts are magnified and become bigger than your dream or worse, your passion, you just want to give up. If there's a chance to run like there's no coming back or to wake up in an entirely different place where nobody knows you, you'd jump at it, even grab it the moment fate hands it down to you. 

To be honest about it, I've decided to finally quit [my job] last week. I told myself, I would do my best the next 3 months or so, then my graceful [hopeful] exit. 

I love my job. I really do. As of this writing, imagining the people I have the privilege to work with makes me cry; the farmers who have become close to me and who taught me about simple joys in life; even those who repeatedly cut me while giving lectures about stuff I didn't even learn in college. The latter has given me the patience which is one of the most notable virtues I admittedly lack/need.

But just like any relationships, sometimes, love [alone] isn't a guarantee that everything will be smooth and lasting. Love isn't enough to make you get off your bed and your hands off your comfortable pillows in the morning. 

I love my job but sometimes, I arrive late in our weekly staff meetings.

As Kuya Poloy (our Project Director) had put it, "If you have the passion, nothing is impossible." This, he realized while on a local bus on his way to one of our project areas. He said he woke up early that day to catch the bus and to leave the city (CdO) before 6 am yet the bus he was on was barely making a kilometer per hour. Frustrated and disappointed, he texted an officemate about his sentiments but didn't get the solution he wanted: private vehicle to the rescue.

Passion.

Is this something you may lose while living the daily life you got so used to? If I'd ask you what's your passion, will you be able to give me an answer faster than the blink of an eye? Or are you now living your passion? Putting it into a more concrete form and mastering it? Are we allowed to have two or more passions? Or you just have to have one?

Two things made say "I QUIT" but let those two things be mine to keep.

Challenge.

Making a decision is a challenge.

I never expected that I will be facing another challenge even before coming up with a final - irrevocable decision. The challenge came in the guise of simple acknowledgment. 

After finishing the assembly I was facilitating, Kuya Poloy gestured a high-five. And I didn't expect the words that followed: 

Kuya Poloy: "Congrats Trainer." "It took me 30 years to be able to do what you did but you were able to do it in a year. Kampante na'ko kung unsa man...(hanging)"

And FB app Message from God went straight to the core:

"On this day of your life, Manman, we believe God wants you to know ... that it's important not to invalidate your feelings. Your feelings are telling you something important. Do not rush to act on the first whim, take time to hear the full message."

I don't know what rules over what now but one thing's for sure, both my head and heart have some things to say I hope we go back to flipping coins.

Friends with Benefits

"It's not who you spend Friday night with, it's who you want to spend all Saturday with.."


Part I.


I wanna spend it with myself. I wanna date myself every weekend. I owe myself that. 


I've always made myself available for others. But haven't for myself. That's a fact. I'm not defending it. My defenses are getting weaker every week, every morning I wake up. 


The hard part? When I no longer know what I want. When reason and purpose turn evasive and I'm stuck with "why", "where", "how", "what", and "when". 


Routine is the water poured down to my fire of passion. Dying slowly. I, barely noticing.


I could shrug things off like I usually do. But not this time. This has been nagging at me since when. I owe myself an apology. An explanation. A date. Time. And love.


Love. "Have I stopped loving myself lately?", I ask. YES, at some point, I did. Or I haven't loved much. Provided much. There's always this gaping hole needed to be filled in. 


Like a man courting a woman, I'm gonna woo myself with books, movies, music, nature, friends and family. And my ace of aces: ADVENTURE


It is possible to be in different places every week. Be with different people every friggin' week. Have nature right at your face... yet, feel NOTHING at all. I'm an android in the making. I guess I am.


Remembering one of my favorite animated films (Up), I'm back to writing my own adventure. With myself (first) and with people who matter (second). 


To tend a plant, one needs to trim, clip, remove. Some things I've already removed in my life. Vices I'm better off without. And I'm trimming and clipping MORE. Habits, people, places, etc...


Amidst all these "losing touch with myself" spectacle, life never ceases to give me reasons to smile. One strong connection myself and my self share. Life is always good. 


Jamie: "You're emotionally unavailable?"
Dylan: "Oh, yeah."
Jamie: "I'm emotionally damaged!"


Part II.


Of the many things (monthly periods and pregnancy) women have to deal with, why didn't fate give men EMOTIONS to deal with?? Just a thought. 'Coz if there's a Man in every WoMan, then they're free to unburden us women from the task of handling emotions!


They say women are more emotional than men. Damn it! Are we?! LOL


Society implicitly requires our men to be a little emotion-less. Sometimes, I'm fine with that. Sometimes, I'm freakin' not. Friends who've been asking lately, here's the real score:


"I am emotionally unavailable because I may be emotionally fucked up."


Sad. But, true story.


(As I'm typing this, Colbie Caillat's I Never Told You is playing in the background. Cosmic intervention.)

Blindfold

‎"No, do not call me to say you miss me. Do not text me, do not e-mail me... do not write it on my wall! If you really miss me, come here and tell me that!"

Confessions of a (still) Broken Heart

Dear Heart,


I wonder when will you ever stop going back to memory lane altogether stop thinking about could haves and should haves. Are they doing you any good? Tell me. You belong to this person who rarely regrets and who rarely looks back. What the f*k is happening now? Few minutes ago, brain was thinking about a beach and what has really become of your owner now?! Imagine a BEACH! She's never been a beach person. But.. Oh never mind.. 
To the man who left you in ruins. Boy he was good.. You're a heart hardened by cynicism but he managed to break you well. And your owner, she's done her best NOT to use you in situations she should have. Could you really blame her? Picking up your missing pieces took her almost a year. The longest dark moments of her life. Please cooperate. I heard she's not using you for the next coming months. 


Yours,
Flickering Consciousness

I Died Several Times While I was Alive

Die Slowly - Pablo Neruda


He who becomes the slave of habit,
who follows the same routes every day,
who never changes pace,
who does not risk and change the color of his clothes,
who does not speak and does not experience, dies slowly.


He or she who shuns passion,
who prefers black on white,
dotting ones “i’s” rather than a bundle of emotions,
the kind that make your eyes glimmer,
that turn a yawn into a smile,
that make the heart pound
in the face of mistakes and feelings, dies slowly.


He or she who does not turn things topsy-turvy,
who is unhappy at work,
who does not risk certainty for uncertainty,
to thus follow a dream,
those who do not forego sound advice
at least once in their lives, die slowly.


He who does not travel,
who does not read,
who does not listen to music,
who does not find grace in himself, dies slowly.


He who slowly destroys his own self-esteem,
who does not allow himself to be helped,
who spends days on end complaining about his own bad luck,
about the rain that never stops, dies slowly.


He or she who abandon a project before starting it,
who fail to ask questions on subjects he doesn’t know,
he who don’t reply when they are asked something they do know, die slowly.


Let’s try and avoid death in small doses,
always reminding oneself that being alive
requires an effort by far
greater than the simple fact of breathing.

Only a burning patience will lead to the attainment
of a splendid happiness.

Wednesday

Not my favorite day but always considered it "special". Like the mystery of the week revealed and highlighted on this day. Love intensified. Happiness at full blast. Souls too light, almost floating. 


The green in contrast to brown. The blue that blends with the fluffy white. I'm living. Even embracing the shadows that I cannot run away from. 


I smile. The world smiles back. Wednesday.

No Fair

Life.


And as I clutch my cup of coffee, inhale it...


Last night's drama meant nothing. Almost nothing.


I'm an addict.


Addicted.


Life.

Backpain

I cry silent tears.
But not really.


I despair.
Not really.


This crazy maze.
Somebody find me.


SOS

Bakit Baliktad Magbasa ng Libro ang mga Pilipino?

Bakit Baligtad Magbasa ng Libro ang mga Pilipino? by Bob Ong
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

Matagal-tagal rin bago ko ulit sinubukang bumasa ng gawa ni Bob Ong. Eto pala ang sikreto... Wag basahin nang sunod-sunod ang mga likha niya para di ka madismaya. Kung naging 'predictable' man siya, ito marahil ay dahil hindi nabigyan ng pagkakataong dumaloy at sumiit sa isip at puso ang mga unang likhang nabasa.


Nasyonalismo ang nais iparating ng aklat na, "Bakit Baliktad Magbasa ng Libro ang mga Pilipino?" Hindi yung tipong nanghihikayat mamatay para sa bayan kundi yung tipong, "Higit sa pagiging Pilipino, sino at bakit ka naging gayon?"


Huwag gawing literal ang pamagat ng aklat. Baliktad nga bang magbasa ng libro tayong mga Pinoy? Alam natin ang sagot dito...


Marahil ay sa ibang bagay tayo "baliktad". At gaya ng layunin ng aklat na ito, hindi sa pamimintas at panghuhusga ang nais ibahagi at iparating ng aklat. Higit sa ano pa man, nais nitong mamulat tayo sa katotohanang hindi sapat na maging Pilipino. Ang pagiging Pilipino o anong 'citizenship' pa man ay may mga kaakibat na obligasyon at responsibilidad.


Mabaho at nakakahiya man ang ibang naipinta at naipahayag ng aklat na ito ukol sa mga Pilipino, naging tapat at totoo naman ito. Ang hamon ay di nagtatapos sa hiyang umusbong, kundi sa pagsusumikap ng bawat isang maging mabuti at karapat-dapat. Kung paano nga ba maging karapat-dapat, iba't iba ang batayan. Lahat may opinyon. Mahirap maging mabuti sa bawat pagkakataon. Subalit mahirap lamang ito para sa mga nagsusumikap. Sa mga umaakto at nagdedesisyon base sa kanilang mabubuting konsensya. Sa mga tapat at nananalig na hindi lahat ng Pinoy ay baliktad magbasa. (:



View all my reviews

Needle in the Hay

"So I can be quiet whenever I want.
Leave me alone."


Elliot Smith's Needle in the Hay. I'm listening to Melissa Laveaux's rendition. Not because it's better but because it fits the mood. The gloom. The weather. The sky crying. And my vindication.


"What a feeling, bein's believin'
I can't have it all, now I'm dancin' for my life
Take your passion, and make it happen
Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life"

Flashdance. Yes. We are our rhythm. I am my rhythm. I am the rhythm. 
So long as there's tomorrow. There's another morning. You can't be too SAD.


Round and round. You keep on going. But leave the sadness and darkness behind. Baggage you don't need. 


So now, smile. Spread your arms. Sway.


Sing and dance your life. 

EDSA. Mozilla. Coffee

February 25, 2011
25th People Power Anniversary

Outside, the rain sounds pissed. Inside, my brother's watching "The Departed". This came after I stupidly nagged at him for staying at home (he's supposed to be going to school- my persistent thought) and there came his retort, "Holiday man ron!".  And that's the end of it.

I woke up feeling frustrated and disappointed. This is the 2nd or 3rd day actually. Work frustrates me. My own me disappoints me. Google chrome with its Tagalog pop-ups/commands/whatnot gets into me. I opened Mozilla instead. But I'm using IE as I'm doing this. I am doomed. And I don't want to care. Don't want to care.

Coffee is my opium. But not now. It's liquified valium. I just made that up. But that's how it feels. So kindly throw me your greatest coffee playlist. At full blast please.

Thank You

For some people, "Sorry" or "Goodbye" aren't the hardest words to say. It's "THANK YOU". 


And I don't want to fall on my knees and beg you to say those to me no matter how I so much deserve them. I won't do that. 


But acting like an ingrate or demanding more is rubbing salt in the wound!


You. Ruined. My. Day.


Thank You